CHAPTER OUTLINE

1. WHY DO PEOPLE MARRY?

   Love is the single most important reason that people give for getting married. In addition to love and commitment, a number of social and economic reasons motivate people to marry. People also marry for companionship, desire for children, happiness, money, convenience, dependence, and the fear of AIDS. Love and commitment are not key aspects of a durable and long-lasting marriage in all cultures. In Japan, many long-lasting marriages exist without love. While the traditional married couple household is disappearing throughout most of the world, Japan is a prominent exception. Because social norms, values, and ideologies often equate adulthood with marriage, for some people, achieving adulthood means marriage.

   1. Sociological Perspectives.

      On a theoretical level, there are several ways of explaining why people marry. A dominant point of view in sociology has been a structural-functional analysis that ignores individual motivation and explains marriage in terms of society's need or demand for the legitimacy of children. The "principle of legitimacy" was put forth by Bronislaw Malinowski. In contrast, a feminist perspective challenges the theory as giving more importance to the role of social father, focusing on traditional gender-role socialization as a basis for marriage. Whatever the reasons, approximately 95 percent of us will marry at some time in our lives.

2. THE MEANING OF MARRIAGE

   Marriage is not an isolated event. It joins together both the couple involved and their respective families. Although the specific laws regulating marriages and families may vary from state to state, in all states marriage is a legal contract with specified rights and obligations.

   1. Marriage as a Commitment.

      Commitment is a key factor in any intimate, emotionally satisfying, and meaningful relationship. Jeannette and Robert Lauer found that a couple's belief in marriage as a long-term commitment and a sacred institution contributed to the longevity of the relationship.

   2. Marriage as a Sacrament.

      The majority of people in this country who marry for the first time do so under the auspices of some religious figure such as a priest, rabbi, or minister. Statistics suggest that most people in this country regard marriage as a significant religious or holy institution. Recognizing that not all marriages will last a lifetime, some Protestant and Jewish denominations allow for the termination of marriage through divorce and sanctify remarriages based on the same principles of the sacrament.

   3. Marriage as a Legal Contract.

      Legal marriage is a legally binding agreement or contractual relationship between two people that is defined and regulated by the state. In contrast, social marriage is a relationship between people who cohabit and engage in behavior that is essentially the same as that within a legal marriage, but the union is not validated by the state. Marriage in the United States is a legal and financial contractual agreement that is regulated by certain legal requirements. The most important marriage laws are state laws.

   4. Some Legal Aspects of the Marriage Contract.

      Some of the more apparent legal aspects of the marriage contract specify who can marry whom and when. Every state in this country has laws that specify who can marry whom in terms of age and sex.

      1. Sexual Orientation: In no state in this country can people of the same sex legally marry, therefore they are denied survival rights, tax benefits, and shared health care benefits. The controversy over legalizing gay marriage is heating up as homosexuality generally and gay marriage specifically have become a more visible component of United States culture. The controversy over gay marriage is far from being resolved. As we settle into the twenty-first century, it is likely that gay marriage will continue to be a prominent social and political issue. Some proponents of same-sex marriages are optimistic that it will be a legal reality someday. In addition to requiring marriage partners to be heterosexuals, the law also requires monogamy. Bigamy, marrying one person while still being legally married to another, is illegal. Many states also have laws which prohibit adultery (extramarital sexual intercourse) and fornication (sexual intercourse outside marriage).

      2. The Incest Taboo: Laws prohibit sexual relations or marriage between a variety of relatives ranging from parents and siblings, to non-blood-related in-laws. Some states even prohibit marriage between affinal relatives (e.g., brothers-in-law).

      3. Age Restrictions: In the past restrictions were tied to puberty, now the concern is maturity. In every state except Georgia the legal age at which marriage can be contracted without parental consent is 18 for both women and men. With parental consent the age is generally 16.

      4. Blood Tests: In two-thirds of the states, when a couple applies for a license to marry they must be tested to determine if they have an STD, however; there is little routine testing for AIDS prior to marriage.

3. CHANGE AND CONTINUITY IN THE MEANING OF MARRIAGE

   Historically, marriage has been based on the concept of coverture (the idea that a wife is under the protection and influence of her husband). Marriage has extended the rights of men vis-a-vis women and children.

   1. Provisions of the Modern Marriage Contract.

      Modern marriage contracts are little different from those based on the old principle of coverture. Weitzman identified four provisions in modern contracts: the wife is responsible for caring for the home; the wife is responsible for the care of any children; the husband is head of the household; and the husband is responsible for the support of the family.

      1. Residence: Although a wife is no longer required to take her husband's name, a husband retains the legal right to decide where the couple will live.

      2. Property Rights: Most states recognize the individual ownership of property. If no one has proof of ownership, most courts determine that the husband is the owner, especially if the wife did not work outside the home during the marriage. Common-law property states give quite an advantage to husbands. In community property states, wives and husbands own all assets jointly and equally.

      3. The Law: Because of a husband's conjugal rights, in about half of states a wife cannot charge her husband with rape. A husband has no legal obligation to compensate his wife for domestic services, but if a third party injures the wife, he can sue for the value of the domestic services that he lost.

   2. The Marriage Contract Today.

      Women no longer have to take their husband's surname. A current practice for some women is to hyphenate their name after marriage. Some couples attack gender-stereotypical wedding rituals and traditions.

      1. Marriage Vows: As people change their views of marriage, they are also changing or modifying many of the rituals and traditions of weddings. Couples are also defining for themselves what their marriage will be by writing their own personal marriage agreement (a written agreement between a married couple in which issues of role responsibility, obligation, and sharing are addressed in a manner that is tailored to their own personal preferences, desires, and expectations).

      2. Prenuptial Agreements: Are developed and worked out in consultation with an attorney and filed as a legal document. They are negotiated ahead of time regarding the settlement of property, alimony, or other financial matters in the event of death or divorce. Prenuptial agreements are no longer utilized only by the wealthy.

      3. Personal Contracts: Serve primarily as guides to future behavior, but are sometimes legal contracts. As far back as 1855, Lucy Stone and her husband-to-be wrote their own personal contract in protest against the inequality of women in marriage.

   3. The Wedding.

      Today's couples tend to prefer traditional weddings, but increasingly they are infusing the wedding ceremony with a touch of personal style. Cultural or ethnic weddings are also rising in popularity. Weddings today are far more expensive than in the past. Estimates of the cost of an average wedding today run from a low of about $5,500 to as much as $60,000. Some wedding planners suggest that the average cost of a wedding in 1997 was around $14,000.

4. MARRIAGE AND GENDER

   In her now classic book The Future of Marriage, sociologist Jessie Bernard detailed the different experiential realities of wives and husbands that she called "his marriage" and "her marriage."

   1. "Her" Marriage.

      Bernard found that wives were much less happy in their marriages than their husbands. Married women also reported much higher rates of anxiety, phobia, and depression than any other group in society except single men. Wives had a higher rate of suicide than husbands. Daniel Goleman found that men tend to rate almost everything as better than do their wives.

   2. "His" Marriage.

      Men seem to prefer marriage to being single, and when asked if they would marry the same person again, they respond in the affirmative twice as often as do their wives. Married men live longer, have better mental and physical health, are less depressed, have a lower rate of suicide, are less likely to go to prison, earn higher incomes, and are more likely to define themselves as happy than are single men.

5. TRANSITIONS AND ADJUSTMENTS TO MARRIAGES

   Marital adjustment is the degree to which a couple gets along with each other or have a good working relationship and are able to satisfy each other's needs over the marital life course. It is an ongoing process.

   1. A Typology of Marital Relationships.

      There is no single model for a well-adjusted marriage. Helpfulness, love, mutual respect, and selflessness are but a few of the many characteristics associated with marital adjustment. Cuber and Harroff identified five distinct types of marriages.

      1. The Conflict-Habituated Relationship: Extensive tension and conflict are managed or controlled. The couple engage in verbal arguments or fights about everything and anything.

      2. The Devitalized Relationship: Involves little conflict but also little passion and attention to each other. The couple were once in love but the excitement and passion is gone, and duty remains.

      3. The Passive-Congenial Relationship: Similar to above, but the passivity in this marriage was always there.

      4. The Vital Relationship: Highly involved couples, who have not lost their individual identities. They enjoy each other when they are together, but do not monopolize each other's time.

      5. The Total Relationship: Constant togetherness with few tensions and conflicts. Total relationships are rare.

6. HETEROGAMOUS MARRIAGES

   Marriages between people who vary in certain social and demographic characteristics are classified as heterogamous.

   1. Interracial Marriages.

      Although legal restrictions have been removed, the sociocultural norms concerning these marriages remain the most inflexible of all mate selection boundaries. Even though the number of interracial couples has almost doubled since the early 1980s (to 1 in 50), racial endogamy in marriage is still strong.

      1. African Americans: Have the highest rate of endogamous marriages and the lowest rate of exogamous marriages. If they do marry interracially, most often their partner is white. Men are twice as likely as women to have a white mate.

      2. Native-Americans: Interracial marriage has had a significant impact on contemporary Native -American family life; they are the least likely among major racial groups to exhibit racial endogamy in marriage patterns.

      3. Asian-Americans: Asian-American families are becoming increasing- ly acculturated, with 38 percent marrying exogamously, primarily with whites. The incidence of interracial marriage among the Chinese has increased dramatically in recent years and more recent research suggests that the rate is increasing among Korean American women as well.

   2. Interethnic Marriages.
      1. Latinos: Although the rates of interracial marriage vary from one Latino group to another, overall the rates have increased in recent decades.

      2. Whites: Interethnic marriage among non-Latino whites is now so commonplace that most people don't pay much attention to it. Estimates are that three-fourths of United States born whites are married interethnically.

   3. Interfaith Marriages.

      People are more willing to cross religious than racial boundaries in selecting a spouse. However, if we take the average of three categories (Catholic, Protestant, and Jewish), about 90 percent of all are married to people of the same religion. Some studies indicate that racially and religiously heterogamous marriages have somewhat higher divorce rates and slightly lower levels of satisfaction than do homogamous marriages.

7. MARITAL SATISFACTION, COMMUNICATION, AND CONFLICT RESOLUTION IN MARRIAGES

   Research has consistently shown that in comparison to their unmarried counterparts, married people report being happier and generally more satisfied with their lives. Because marital success is a relative concept, researchers have based much of their findings on marital satisfaction as reported by married couples and on the divorce rate.

   1. Successful Marriage.

      Although the divorce rate leveled off in the 1990s, almost two-thirds of the marriages entered into in recent years are expected to end in divorce or separation. According to some researchers, these statistics are a clear indication of a decline. On the other hand, general survey data repeatedly indicate that although the rate at which couples report marital happiness or satisfaction has declined in recent years, an overwhelming majority of married couples say that they are "happy" or "very happy."

   2. Effective Communication.

      Communication is essential to the success of marriages and other intimate relationships. Two key components of communication are what is said and how it is said. In general, successful communication includes a number of conditions and skills.

   3. Self-Disclosure.

      Self-disclosure is a key element in effective communication and higher levels of marital satisfaction. Research on self-disclosure consistently shows that reciprocal self-disclosure is positively related to marital satisfaction. As in many other aspects of heterosexual relations, women and men tend to differ in terms of disclosure.

   4. Conflict and Conflict Resolution.

      Good communication alone does not prevent conflict. Even when couples have positive and effective communication skills and high levels of self-disclosure, there are likely to be times of disagreement, conflict and fighting. John Gottman believes that the four most destructive behaviors to marital happiness are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. When conflict is managed through negotiation and compromise, it can strengthen the bonds of affection between partners.

LEARNING OBJECTIVES

After reading Chapter Eight, students should be able to:

1. identify the personal and sociological factors that affect a person's decision to marry.

2. describe the meaning of marriage from both social and legal perspectives.

3. discuss the meaning of marriage from a historical perspective.

4. explain how gender is related to marital satisfaction.

5. list and briefly describe Cuber and Harroff's five distinct types of marriage.

6. present a statistical overview of interracial, interethnic, and interreligious marriages in the United States.

7. briefly discuss the importance of communication and conflict resolution in marriage.

KEY TERMS

TEACHING SUGGESTIONS/DISCUSSION QUESTIONS/CLASS EXERCISES

1. Ask the members of your class to assess the question: "Why do people get married?" It is likely that some of your students are already married (or have been in the past). Encourage them to vocalize the reasons that they decided to marry. If there are students who have divorced and remarried, see if they are willing to comment on why they were enthusiastic about entering the institution of marriage for a second time. In the meantime, some of the members of your class who have never been married may be motivated to comment; in fact, some of them may be inclined to question why people marry at all. If so, utilize this opportunity to evaluate this query: "Are there some men and women who would be better off if they didn't marry?"

2. The text discusses "His" and "Her" marriages. Sociolinguist and author Deborah Tannen has written two best-selling books about women and men in conversation: That's Not What I Meant and You Just Don't Understand. Self-help guru John Gray has attracted a great deal of attention to his books surrounding the catchy phrase, "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." Both of these authors point out that men and women have not learned to communicate with each other. Have the class focus on why the learning process is different for women and for men. Research shows that married men are the happiest and most healthy group (among single men, married men, single women, and married women), Married women are the least happy and healthy. Traditional lore tells us that women "trap" men into marriage, and that men fight hard to avoid the trap. Why are men so happy and women so unhappy in marriage?

3. Try to obtain from local lawyers copies of prenuptial agreements (with names blocked out of course). Share these with the class. How many students would consider signing such an agreement? Why, or why not? If they had been married before and had children, would their opinion be different? Should individuals who are cohabiting sign pre-cohabitation agreements? Ask the members of the class to write their own marriage contract. Discuss the differences, if any, between those written by females and those written by males.

4. The text devotes considerable attention to evaluating different types of marriage. Most Americans think of marriage in terms of romanticized, idealistic characteristics: "They're like two little peas in a pod," "They're inseparable," "When spouses take separate vacations, it's the beginning of the end," "The family that plays together stays together." In fact, research shows that many marriages aren't like this at all: One study (Cuber and Harroff) concluded that many marriages are "passive-congenial" rather than "vital" and constantly vibrant or electric. Ask your class to consider whether there is anything necessarily more positive about marriages that are "just as passionate as the day they began" in comparison to relationships that could be characterized as "comfortable and convenient."

5. Every member of your class will be familiar with the many "jokes"-some humorous, some not so humorous-about the differences between early marriage and what happens to marriages later on in the life cycle. For example, it has often been observed that if married couples were to drop a coin in a jar for every time they have sex during their first year of marriage, and then in the years thereafter, if they extract one coin for every sexual experience, it would take several years to drain the jar of coins. While most people are accustomed to joking about early vs. later marriage, not that many of them have really thought about the reasons for why marital relationships change over the life cycle. Encourage your class to confront and evaluate some of these phenomena. One other interesting prospect for discussion is the "seven-year itch." Why do so many married couples report encounters with infidelity after about seven years of marriage? How does this relate to the text's discussion of marriage throughout the life cycle?

6. The issue of equality in performing housework is an excellent opportunity for stimulating discussion in your class, particularly if some of your students are involved in marriages where both spouses are working or otherwise obligated outside of the domestic environment. One very interesting dimension of the research on this topic involves the finding that sometimes, women actually assume more of the responsibility for housework, not because their husbands are unwilling to help out, but rather because these wives are dissatisfied with their husbands' performance in various domestic tasks. This is a version of "You don't do it up to my expectations, so I'd rather do it myself." Here lies an excellent illustration of the principle of least interest. Husbands may learn that their wives are far more concerned about maintaining a spotless household, so they simply bide their time and wait for their wives to perform the various chores. See if the members of your class have specific comments on these issues.

7. Many people, and no doubt some members of your class, regard marriage contracts as an implicit violation of the ideals expressed in the sentiment, "'til death do us part." In other words, if a couple negotiates a marriage contract, this poses an immediate, built-in lack of trust in the longevity of the relationship; it automatically belies the meaning of commitment. Ask the members of your class to comment on their feelings about this issue.

8. Americans seem inclined to compare their own marriages with some sort of "ideal." Married couples often speculate about how their marriage "stacks up" in reference to other marital relationships, such as how well they communicate. Frequently, marriage manuals prescribe certain criteria that represent minimum expectations for levels of communication. Ask your students if they think such modal assessments are representative or unrealistic. Are communication criteria the same for everyone? To what extent must every married couple find what works for them?

9. There is a great deal of misunderstanding about "fighting" in marriage. Ask your students to vocalize how often they have heard the observation, "We never fight," or "Twenty-five long years of marriage and not a disparaging word yet...." What are their thoughts about people who "never fight?" Of course, the text points out that the lack of conflict is not necessarily the sign of a good marriage and, in fact, some marriages die because the partners no longer care enough about each other to fight. Furthermore, it is noted that the most important element in marital conflict is how these differences are handled.

10. Invite a divorce lawyer to speak to the class on the legal aspects of prenuptial agreements and divorce.

FILMS AND VIDEOS

Great Expectations (Portrait of a Family series), 1988, 30 min. (RMI Media Productions). This program focuses on the beliefs and expectations the individuals bring into a marriage and how these expectations have enormous influence on these people's lives together.

 

Celebracion del Matrimonio, 1986, 30 min. (University of California Extension Media Center, 2176 Shattuck Ave., Berkeley, CA 94704, 415-642-0460). This video, which is available in an English version, depicts a traditional wedding ceremony in New Mexico.

 

Getting Married, 1975, 16 min. (University of Minnesota Film and Video). Although dated, this presentation examines timeless reasons why people marry, using silent film clips, drama, and interviews.

 

Young Marriage: When's the Big Day, 1975, 14 min. (University of Minnesota Film and Video). Again, this presentation is somewhat dated, but it focuses on the contrast between expectations and realities in early married life.

 

Verbal Communication: The Power of Words, 1981, 24 min. (CRM/McGraw-Hill [Organizational Development Series]). Examines the principles and pitfalls of verbal communication. Concentrates on the responsibilities of the sender and techniques to assure control over the communication process. There is a "workshop" dimension of this presentation, with role-playing exercises.

 

Can We Talk?, 1993, 52 min. (Films for the Humanities and Sciences). This video offers a family communication skills test in a game show format, featuring vignettes from The Cosby Show and Family Ties. Then, expert commentators discuss resolutions.

 

Men and Women: Talking Together, 1993, 58 min. (Insight Media). This presentation highlights the discussion of communication between the sexes in front of a live audience. Male/female conversational rituals and various forms of power in relationships are considered.

 

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: Gender Differences in Relationships, 1998, 46 min. (Films for the Humanities and Sciences). In this ABC News special with Barbara Walters and John Grey, author of the best-selling book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, sex couples learn what makes men and women different: from listening skills to the importance of affection or solitude.

 

Men, Women, and Language, 1981, 29 min. (Insight Media). This video examines the origins of gender differences in the use of language, including the female tendency to use weakening language such as non-specific adjectives and tag questions, and explores developmental differences and gender-role differentiation. The program also distinguishes between male and female body language, looking at the use of personal space.

 

Language and Communication (Gender Roles series), 1994, 60 min. (RMI Media Productions, Inc.). This program explores language as a mirror of social expression; the differences between men and women in the use of language are explored, thus helping to explain many of the problems that couples experience in trying to communicate.

 

Gender and Communication: She Talks, He Talks, 1994, 22 min. (Insight Media). Examining the communication gap between men and women, this program explores the different ways in which men and women converse and considers factors that may have created those differences. Among the topics explored are why males place more emphasis on the literal meaning of words than females, and women's use of weakening speech patterns such as upward inflections and disclaimers.

 

Why Husbands Don't Talk to Their Wives, 1993, 28 min. (Films for the Humanities and Sciences). In this specially-adapted Phil Donahue program, several couples talk about their problems in communicating. Then, a marriage and family therapist offers some exercises designed to help any couple communicate more effectively.

 

Valuing Diversity: Multicultural Communication, 1994, 49 min. (Insight Media). By dramatizing situations in which cultural differences impair communication, this video demonstrates how to overcome cross-cultural communication barriers. The program considers how stereotyping causes people to make quick, and often inaccurate, judgments. This presentation will be useful in tandem with in-class discussions of interracial marriage.

 

Men, Women, and Communication, 1981, 29 min. (Insight Media). This video examines the origins of gender differences in the use of language. It describes the female tendency to use weakening language such as non-specific adjectives and tag questions. It also distinguishes between male and female body language, looking specifically at the use of personal space.

 

Power Plays (Portrait of a Family series), 1988, 30 min. (RMI Media Productions, Inc.). According to romantic myths, couples are exempt from power struggles, but in reality, couples frequently encounter power-related issues, as dramatically portrayed in this presentation.

 

For Better Or Worse (Portrait of a Family series), 1988, 30 min. (RMI Media Productions, Inc.). This presentation makes clear that conflict is a natural, and frequently necessary, part of married life. Learning to handle conflict constructively deepens understanding and tightens the bond between two people.

 

Couples Arguing, 1988, 60 min. (Filmakers Library). In this presentation, real couples are portrayed in actual arguments in their homes concerning a variety of topics, including sex, money, children, and alcohol. These vignettes help to illustrate the potential for conflict to be constructive.

 

A Marital Therapy Consultation, 1984, 60 min. (Brunner/Mazel). This presentation explores the dynamics of marital therapy and will mirror some of the elements of the text's discussion of therapy for breakdowns in marital communication.

 

Multimodal Marital Therapy, 1985, 22 min. (Multimodal Publications/Research Press). Commencing with a typical hostile domestic scene (husband and wife arguing at home), this film portrays the process of therapeutic intervention in marital conflict. The presentation mirrors the techniques that therapists utilize in order to help married couples to communicate more effectively.