CHAPTER OUTLINE

1. WHAT IS THIS THING CALLED LOVE?

   There are many kinds of love, probably as many as there are types of people who love and are loved. It encompasses a wide variety of feelings and behaviors ranging from those we feel for our parents, friends, siblings, and children to those we feel for our spouses or partners.

   1. Love as a Social Construction.

      According to a social-constructionist point of view, love can only be understood as symbolic or a social construction that by itself has no intrinsic meaning. What we define as love is rooted in both societal and cultural values as well as the values of the groups to which we belong.

   2. How Does Love Develop in Contemporary Society?

      Based on an accumulation of research over the years, the typical developmental sequence of heterosexual love in the twentieth century seems to be: Girl meets boy; they interact; they discover that they have common interests, values, and backgrounds; and at some point they define their feelings as love. The development of lesbian and gay love relationships parallels that of heterosexuals.

   3. Love in Western Society: A Historical Perspective.

      Today romantic love is almost always linked to sex and marriage. It has not always been this way. For much of human history, there was no conception of love as a necessary part of either.

      1. Love in Ancient Greece: Plato is credited with developing the notions of romantic love, but love was not associated with marriage. Plato defined love as the highest expression of human virtue. He distinguished three types of love:
         1. Agape: Selfless love.

         2. Eros: Selfish love.

         3. Philos: Deep friendship or brotherly love.

            Women were considered to be unworthy of love and heterosexual feelings were downplayed.

      2. Love in Ancient Rome: Love was oriented toward heterosexual love, but again, not in marriages.

      3. The Early Christian Idea of Love: Love was a nonsexual, nonerotic relationship.

      4. Courtly Love: Combined two basic ideals of the time (male chivalry and the idealization of women). It is the precursor of contemporary notions of romantic love and was founded on three principles: the elevation of women; sexual fidelity to one person; and the notion that love should be reciprocal or mutual. Courtly love was basically nonsexual.

      5. The Institutionalization of Love in Marriage: With the rise of capitalism and an emphasis on a Protestant work ethic came the belief that love should occur before, and not after, marriage. Although love was now blended with marriage, it was still not blended with sex. Today, most Americans believe that love is an important basis for sex and marriage, although some see sex as a recreational activity without regard for love.

   4. The Importance of Love.

      Love is important both in terms of our physical as well as our emotional health and well-being. Love is essential to the survival of human infants and the social psychological, and emotional well being of adults. Attachment theory is an important framework for a sociological understanding of love because it reminds us that love is a learned emotion. The experience of self-love (self-esteem) seems to be an important prerequisite for loving others.

2. HOW DO PEOPLE EXPRESS LOVE?

   People express romantic love in a variety of ways. This diversity in love and loving has inspired some social scientists to attempt to classify love in terms of its component parts or in terms of various types of styles of loving. Erich Fromm identified four essential components of love (care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge). Robert Sternberg defined love in terms of a triangle (commitment, passion, and intimacy). He also identified nonlove (the absence of all three), empty, liking, infatuated, compassionate, romantic, and fatuous love (combinations of the three).

   1. Lee's Six Styles of Loving.

      From his research, Lee concluded that there are many types of love relationships. Using an analogy of a color wheel, he identified three primary styles of love relationships (red, yellow and blue), eros, ludus and storge. All other styles are a combination of these three with the most important being: mania, pragma, and agape.

      1. Primary Styles of Love: Eros (physical attraction), ludus (playful, nonpossessive, challenging, without deep commitment), and storge (unexciting and uneventful).

      2. Derived Styles of Love: Mania (combines eros and ludus), pragma (combines ludus and storge), and agape (combines eros and storge).

         The greater the differences between a couple in their style of loving, the harder it is for them to relate.

3. LOVE VERSUS FRIENDSHIP, INFATUATION, AND LIKING

   When we were young we were told our feelings of love were not really true love. Furthermore, we were told that we would know when it was true love. Such responses imply that there is a "fake love" or that some other emotion can very easily be confused with love.

   1. Close Friendship Versus Love.

      Davis and Todd compared close friendship and love and found that while they are alike in many ways, there are crucial differences that make love relationships more rewarding and more volatile.

      1. Friendship: Includes enjoyment, acceptance, trust, respect, mutual assistance, confiding, understanding, and spontaneity.

      2. Love: Is friendship, plus passion (fascination, exclusiveness and sexual desire) and caring (giving the utmost and being a champion or advocate), but also instability and mutual criticism.

   2. Infatuation Versus Love.

      Infatuation involves a strong attraction based on an idealized picture of the other person.

   3. Liking Versus Love.

      Liking is more logical and rational, less emotional and possessive, than love.

4. SOME THEORIES OF LOVE

   In recent decades, the works of several social scientists and researchers have provided us with significant insights into the nature of love.

   1. The Wheel Theory of Love.

      Ira Reiss provided a classic theory that focuses on love as a developmental process. It involves four major interpersonal processes.

      1. Rapport: The feeling of being at ease or relaxed with one another.

      2. Self-revelation: The disclosure of intimate and personal feelings.

      3. Mutual dependence: At this stage, two people develop a reliance on each other for fulfillment and become a couple.

      4. Fulfillment of personality needs: The ability of each partner to satisfy the needs of the other.

   2. Love as Limerence.

      Dorothy Tennov used the term limerence to describe "being in love" (extreme attraction, complete absorption or obsessive preoccupation with another person). Limerence may be characterized by its speed of occurrence, intensity, reciprocation, and time it lasts.

   3. Love as Social Exchange.

      John Scanzoni described love as an exchange of rewards between two interested parties. The process of rewarding each other and gratifying each other's needs is continuous and forms the basis on which the relationship is based.

5. LOVE ACROSS GENDER AND RACE

   Romantic love is often considered to be a universal feeling. However, not everyone experiences romantic love.

   1. Gender Differences in Love Relationships.

      Women can distinguish between liking and loving more easily than can men because women are more in touch with their feelings. Men tend to begin relationships with a much more romantic perspective than do women. Women tend to be much more expressive than men. Men may define sex as more important than love, women the opposite. Wives emphasize emotions and feelings, while husbands emphasize physical activities such as providing help, sharing leisure time, and sexual relations.

   2. The Feminization of Love.

      Francesca Cancian argues that only women's style of loving is recognized, and there is a myth that women need love more than men do and that women are more skilled at loving than men are. She argues that love should be androgynous, that is, it should include a wide range of attitudes and behavior with no gender differentiation.

   3. Lesbian and Gay Love Relationships.

      For gays, in general, a sexual relationship precedes a love relationship, and their relationships are of shorter duration than those of lesbians. In general, however, lesbian and gay love is very similar to heterosexual love. Much of the information and research data on lesbian and gay relationships is limited. The division of tasks within a lesbian or gay relationship are often egalitarian.

   4. Female-Male Relationships Among African Americans.

      Contrary to much talk about a crisis, African American romantic relationships are no more or no less characterized by crisis than are such relationships for other racial and ethnic groups. There is substantial disagreement, for example, over whether novels and films like Waiting to Exhale are accurate portrayals of African American female-male relationships. What research is available suggests that blacks and whites view love somewhat differently, primarily because of ongoing discrimination in American society.

6. OBSTACLES TO LOVE AND LOVING RELATIONSHIPS

   Few people thrive in an environment of social isolation. Unfortunately, a number of individual and cultural factors serve as obstacles to the development and maintenance of love.

   1. Traditional Gender-Role Socialization.

      Creates different priorities for males versus females in relationships. One person (often the woman) is more oriented toward the relationship (also occurs in homosexual relationships).

   2. Patriarchy as an Obstacle to Lesbian Love.

      Men view lesbian love as a threat to the patriarchal structure. Some of the more common assumptions of patriarchy and heterosexualism are that women's primary love and sexual orientation are naturally directed toward men and that heterosexuality is ordained by nature.

   3. Lack of Trust.

      Trust is seen as one of the most important and necessary aspects of any close or intimate relationship. Rempel and Holmes identified three basic elements of trust: predictability, dependability, and faith.

   4. Jealousy and Envy.

      Jealousy is defined as the thoughts and feelings that emerge when an actual or desired relationship is believed to be threatened. Envy refers to unhappiness or discontent with ourselves that arises from the belief that something personal about ourselves does not measure up to someone else's level.

      1. The Nature and Pattern of Jealousy: May evolve from internal or external factors. Those most likely to be jealous are women, people in open or multiple relationships, people who are unhappy, less educated people, younger people, and people who are unfaithful themselves. Ralph Hupka classified societies as either high- or lowjealousy cultures, supporting the notion that jealousy is a social emotion learned through the socialization process.

      2. Gender Differences in Jealousy: Women experience jealousy more intensely, suffer more distress, are more likely to remain in the relationship, more likely to fight to win back a lost lover, and are more likely to attempt to make their partner jealous to test the relationship. Men are more likely to use violence when jealous.

      3. Destructive Jealousy: It can be physically damaging and life- threatening. It can also take a toll in the form of depression, fear, anxiety, self-doubt and low self-esteem.
         1. Managing Destructive Jealousy: Smith and Clanton suggest four options: get out of the relationship, ignore or tolerate those behaviors that make you jealous, attempt to change the behaviors, or work on your own jealousy.

7. ROMANTIC LOVE IN THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY

   Heterosexual love and romance in the new millennium reflect the changes that have been evident in the roles of women and men since the emergence of the contemporary women's movement. Traditional roles have been characterized by male dominance and female submission. Today, however, dramatic changes have taken place. The result is a great deal of anxiety and uncertainty as couples try to balance traditional norms with current developments in the absence of clear-cut rules and guidelines.

LEARNING OBJECTIVES

After reading Chapter Four, students should be able to:

1. understand love as a social construction.

2. understand the concept of romantic love from a historical perspective.

3. explain the influence of courtly love on romantic love today.

4. discuss the role of capitalism and the Protestant work ethic on the blending of romantic love with marriage.

5. evaluate the need of human beings for love.

6. describe how the diversity in love and loving has inspired some sociologists to attempt to classify love in terms of its component parts or in terms of various types and styles of loving.

7. identify ways in which love is different from friendship, infatuation, and liking.

8. discuss the various theories of love.

9. discuss gender differences in love relationships, compare lesbian and gay relationships, and discuss African American female-male relationships.

10. discuss the individual and cultural factors which serve as obstacles to the development and maintenance of love.

KEY TERMS

TEACHING SUGGESTIONS/DISCUSSION QUESTIONS/CLASS EXERCISES

1. The authors of the text point out that there are probably as many definitions of love as there are people who love. Have each student write down their definition of love. Collect the (anonymous) definitions and read them aloud to the class. There will be few, if any, that will be identical. If we all want love, indeed need love, how can we hope to find it if everyone's definition of love is different? Discuss how, in the U.S. in particular, we are inundated with messages about who we should love, how we should feel and behave when we are in love, to say nothing about what we should wear, smell like, or look like in order to find someone who will love us.

2. Have your students think about their personal experiences with romantic attraction. Ask them to make a list of those personal qualities in some other person that led to feelings of romantic loving. Although some will be more willing to share their feelings than others, use their vocalizations to illustrate the various theories of romantic attraction.

3. Although it may be expected that many students will not feel comfortable doing so, ask whether any member of your class would be willing to vocalize what he/she finds attractive about a particular person who is currently the object of his/her affection. Use this description as a starting point for a discussion of love as it is related to demographic criteria: age, race, religion, socioeconomic status, residence location, etc.

4. Put a copy of Erich Fromm's book, The Art of Loving on reserve at the library. Ask the students to write a brief critique of the ideas expressed in this book.

5. Ask the class to differentiate between friendship, liking, infatuation, and love. Do they feel that all three are, to some degree, necessary in order to sustain an intimate relationship? Why or why not? Is most poetry about love or infatuation?

6. Discuss how the "feminization of love" has served to put men at a disadvantage when relationships are analyzed.

7. According to Schwartz and Scott, because racism has made achievement of a position of power in the larger society difficult for most African-American men, many of these men continue to hold onto the one venue where they have been able to exert power: their intimate relationships with African American women. Many African American women, especially those who are economically independent, are rejecting this inequality and turning away from the men. Discuss the implications of this trend.

8. Ask your students to use their personal experiences as a baseline in discussing how people's love involvements reflect the correlates of social class. If you teach at a college or university where there are fraternities and sororities, ask those who are members to comment on how there are subtle, and perhaps not so subtle, guidelines for dating based upon social class affiliation.

9. "He/she is my best friend." "We're friends....but not best friends." "He's/she's a friend...but that's about as far as it goes." Comments like these can be overheard in daily conversations among college students. As a class project, ask your students to think about their friendships and to evaluate what makes one person a closer friend in comparison to others. Have the class vocalize their thoughts. Then, evaluate student comments in reference to the theories of love.

10. It has been pointed out that men and women tend to have very different orientations toward intimacy and commitment: specifically, that men emphasize the sexual component more than love in relationships, and they fear commitment. Why? Psychologists point out that these tendencies are explained by men's fantasy to relate to other women without the risk of rejection; for women, commitment means the fulfillment of their fantasy: to have a relationship with one man who provides love and security. As Schwartz and Scott make clear, men tend to begin relationships with a much more romantic perspective than do women, but that women can distinguish between liking and loving more easily than men and are more in touch with their feelings. Encourage the members of your class to comment on how the process of love is different for males in comparison to females. This can represent an outstanding discussion, if students can be persuaded to vocalize their true feelings.

11. Most of your students will be in an excellent position to comment on feelings of jealousy, probably having had personal experience with its consequences. Ask the members of your class to comment on how their personal experiences along these lines illustrate the unhealthy consequences of jealousy.

FILMS AND VIDEOS

Love, Lust, and Marrage, 1998, 46 min. (Films for the Humanities and Sciences). In this ABC News special with correspondent John Stossel, the modern-day notion of love, with all of its attendant expectations, is examined: How do people find love? Why do they fall in love? And once they decided to become a couple, how do they stay in love? The presentation also highlights other cultures' solutions to the "dating game," including arranged marriages.

 

The Familiar Face of Love, 1986, 47 min. (Insight Media). Family and sex researcher John Money hosts this program, examining how people fall in love. Money uses the term "love map" in referring to people's mental blueprint of their perceptions of an ideal partner.

 

Learning to Love (Portrait of a Family series), 1988, 30 min. (RMI Media Productions). This presentation makes clear that love is essential to people's mental and physical well being, examining the perceived meanings of love and the needs it fulfills.

 

Bonds of Love, 1995, 27 min. (Films for the Humanities and Sciences). This presentation addresses the age-old question: "What is meant by the word love?" The video involves a psychological and social psychological approach to the examination of love, highlighting behaviors from different levels in the animal kingdom, including human beings.

 

On The Nature of Love, 1994 (recorded 1982), 58 min. (Mystic Fire Video). J. Krishnamurti is regarded as one of the greatest spiritual teachers of our time. In this 1982 talk, Krishnamurti presents a deep psychological and spiritual examination of love, linking the emotion to the life cycle--being born and dying.

 

Love Stories: Men, Women, and Romance, 1989, 85 min. (CINE). This is a three-part series that covers changing attitudes on the part of men and women regarding male/female relationships.

 

Being In Love, 1979, 29 min. (NET, Indiana University). This film is a discussion of mature attitudes toward love, normal and pathological attachments and attractions, as well as the varying needs of individuals in terms of love.

 

Impression Formation and Interpersonal Attraction, 1975, 27 min. (UFC). A discussion of implicit personality theory and familiarity as key factors in social attraction; includes complementary need theory of attraction, as well as dealing with first impressions and attraction.

 

Mother Love, 1960, 26 min. (Insight Media). This is a classic documentary dealing with Harry and Margaret Harlow's original experiments with newborn rhesus monkeys concerning "mother substitutes."

 

Love: What is Essential is Invisible to the Eye, 1974, 90 min. (UWISCS). In this film, the well known commentator on love and relationships, Dr. Leo Buscaglia, addresses a live audience, presenting his theory on the importance of learning about love. Dr. Buscaglia discusses the essence of self-fulfillment as he sees it.

 

Love and the Goddess, 1988, 60 min. (Apostrophe S. Productions, Independent Media). This film provides an excellent discussion of romantic love, beginning with the 12th century; narrator, Joseph Campbell discusses various questions about love and the image of woman with Bill Moyers.

 

Love and Sex, 1991, 52 min. (Films for the Humanities and Sciences). This is one of the installments in The Human Animal series, hosted and narrated by Phil Donahue; love, monogamy, heterosexuality, and homosexuality are among the topics.

 

Because This Is About Love: A Portrait of Gay and Lesbian Marriage, 1992, 28 min. (Filmakers Library). This is an extremely controversial film and will generate heated discussion. Not only does this presentation deal with homosexual love and relationships, it also questions the true meaning of marriage.